Reciprocal

Call me young and naive,
but I want to burrow into you.

The nape of your neck will be my home.

I crave to know you.
I thirst.  I lust.

Wrap your arms around me endlessly.
Don’t take care of anybody else but me.

It’s 2:30.  We’ve already said goodnight.
I don’t want to sleep.  Continue to be my muse.

You’ll be the happiest man history has ever seen.

Maybe I don’t know what love is
but I want it this to be it.

Take my heart. I won’t need it anyway.  

Maybe you’ll feel it beat for you.

Love me like you’ve never loved anyone before
so I can love you just as relentlessly.

Allow me to fall.  Catch me if you wish.
Don’t feel the need to pick me up if I break.

I want to love you.  Hurt me.  Ruin me.
Or just love me back.

Until Next Time,

Me

The Life in Which I Want to Live

I want my life to be explosive.

I do not want money.  I barely want recognition.

But I want to tell a story.

I don’t know what story to tell and I’m am fairly certain that I barely know the words.  But, slowly and surely I am getting somewhere.

I am guided by the spirit I feel inside of me.  It’s a fierce spirit.  Inside it is a warrior.  It is resilient and strong, but it knows how to be soft, kind, open, and compassionate.

Lately, all I know about myself is that I don’t know anything at all.  I don’t know where I am going or how I am going to get there.  But that doesn’t scare me.  What scares me the most is I don’t know who to bring, and there is absolutely no way I can do it alone.  This is a problem.

What I want in life is to exhaust every vessel of my body from the speed and velocity in which I live.  I want my passion and intensity to consume me. I want my failures to be catastrophic; I want my successes to be even bigger.  I want to live a life so passionate and so complete that when I die, the only proof I existed is how quiet the world seems when I'm gone.

The person I choose to take with me on this journey needs to keep me grounded.  They need to provide me with the perfect balance of realism and optimism.  They need to be able to carry me when I am drowning in an ocean of fear, disappointment, and self-doubt. They will protect me and selflessly allow me to thrive.

This will not be an easy job.

But if they provide me with that, I would be able to love them just as passionately and completely as I love life.  They will never feel unneeded, unwanted, or unloved.  They will forever have someone failing into their arms, rushing to their side.  I would be theirs- totally and completely theirs.

I don’t know if what I can reciprocate is enough.  After all, I am asking for a lot.  But it is my greatest hope that I would be enough because me is the only thing I have to give.

Until Later,

Me

I've Never Said...

I've never said "I can't" because, quite frankly, I can.  I can do anything I set my mind to.  It's just a matter of how much work I am willing to put in to accomplishing my goals.

I’ve never once said “if I become successful" because, in truth, I feel that there is only “when I become successful.”  There is no doubt it will happen.  This isn't a superficial statement.  Success is subjective; the definition of success differs person to person.  

To me, success is encouraging and inspiring people.
To me, success is that satisfying last look at the world before I lay down to sleep.

To me, success is just a matter of finding out where I want to focus my energy.

What is your definition of success?

Much Love,

Me

Growing Pains

Hey all!

I didn't post anything last week because I have a BIG announcement.  However, when I was ready to tell you all, I stopped.  Was this the right time to get it all out in the open?  I decided against it, but don't you worry- the announcement WILL be made shortly.

Anyway, today I wanted to touch on something sort of deep.  I read somewhere that college is a time to figure yourself out, change, and figure yourself out again.  I love that quote because it is so true!  Just when I think I've got myself down, I uncover something else that I didn't know about myself.  It's frustrating, empowering, and actually kind of fun.  This whole process is about growth, and think it is easy to say I'm having some growing pains.

First, I'm wound pretty tight.
Have I ever relaxed before?  I mean, I'm felt the mental fatigue before.  However, I always thought that was a good thing- like mental fatigue is a sign that I've been working hard.  Putting that into words just makes me seem like a crazy person.  You don't have be stressed out of your mind to know that you are working hard.  You don't need to juggle eight different things at once to be proud of yourself.  Most importantly, as long as you as smart about your choices, you don't have to feel guilty about having fun!

Secondly, I really am an extrovert.
I love my alone time.  I think that it is a part of being an only child.  But, when I am around people, I feel fantastic.  So what keeps me locked in my room so much?  Part of me thinks that it is a sign of insecurity.  In my head I believe that if I stay in my room all of the good memories people have of me will lock in place and I don't have to worry about changing a person's current perception of me.  How dumb is that?  For a person that prides herself in not caring what other people think, I sure care an awful lot.

That leads me to this:
I actually do care what other people think of me.
Why?  Why do I care?  In middle school I had a hard time with social anxiety.  I would cry for hours about how I didn't want to go to things like sporting events because the other kids could potentially pick on me.  It got so bad that my mom even considered getting me into therapy.  One quote that got me through all that turmoil was:

“Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” — Bernard Baruch

So, seriously.  Be yourself and don't care who sees.  The people who mind aren't worth your time anyway.

However, this issue amplifies for me when talking about controversial topics.  I'm taking some classes this year that really stretch me out of my comfort zone.  In these classes, professors expect me to speak up if I have a viewpoint that isn't their own.  That is hard for me because I'm such an non-confrontational person.  If I disagree, I shut my mouth and move on.  This quality is good most of the time, but sometimes it is good to rock the boat.  It is okay to voice your opinion.

Speaking of being non-confrontational, I suck at "I'm sorry's."

When people get angry with me, I clam up.  I panic.  I don't know what to do.  So I hide.  I ignore them or just pretend nothing happened.  This is a bad habit that needs to be fixed now.

In addition to that, lately I have learned that I like attention.

There is not much to say about this one.  I'm sure it goes back to the only child thing.  However,  I think it is a good thing to recognize.  Recognizing that I really enjoy attention is the only way to keep myself in check.

I bet you are wondering why I told you all this.  Here is my response:

Unrefined beauty rejoices in imperfections.  Imperfections are what make us human.  It is only when we recognize these imperfections can we grow.  So, by showing you all of my imperfections, I hope that it inspires you to be just as honest with yourself.

Let's grow together!

Much Love,

Me

Current Loves: Maybelline New York Full 'N Soft Mascara

My apologies- I have discovered .gif formatted pictures, and I think that they are quite possibly the coolest thing ever.

I come bearing fantastic news!  I fell in love with a mascara, and it doesn't cost $1,000.

I am talking about Maybelline New York Full 'N Soft Mascara.

Cost: $8   

On the Maybelline website, it says this mascara:

• Builds full, healthy-looking lashes without the brittle feel
• Prevents loss of lashes with Quick Dissolve System that allows easy mascara removal
• Advanced thickening formula with Vitamin E helps to soften and nourish lashes
• No clumps, no globs
• Contact lens safe and hypoallergenic
• Washable, also available in Waterproof formula

Allow me to comment on these claims.

-I agree that this mascara really does build full lashes.  It provides length and volume- a winning combination.  In addition to that, my lashes really do feel "soft."  No brittle feelings on these eyeballs!

-This next claim makes me question Maybelline's advertising tactics.  "Prevents loss of lashes with Quick Dissolve System..."  I'm not sure why "Quick Dissolve System" is capitalized, but I do have to agree.  This mascara really does allow easy removal, even with regular, ol' make-up remover wipes.

-I am not sure if I notice any thickening of lashes when this mascara is off.  However, I don't think I mind since the mascara does that just fine when I wear it.

-Short and sweet- I have no problems with mascara clumps.  In addition to that, I find that this mascara plays well with other mascara as well as multiple coats.

- I don't wear contact lenses- and if I did, I'm not so sure I'd care about the mascara I wear- but this mascara hasn't irritated my eyes in the slightest.

Additional comments:
This mascara has a very wet formulation, so give it time to dry!

 

That's my verdict- A+, gold star, WILL REPURCHASE.  However, I heard talk on Make-Up Alley that this product was discontinued.  If it was, I'll be very upset.  I just bought this product, and it is still listed on the Maybelline website.

None-the-less I have no problem going out and trying the waterproof version.  I'll keep you posted.

Much Love,

Me

P.S. check out this pretty eye look I created with some Wet 'N Wild shadows and my Urban Decay Electric Palette!  I can't wait to have a better camera to show you all my neat creations!

First Day Back

Today is the first day of classes, and I'm so excited.  I love the busyness of an academic year- the appointments, meetings, and projects.  I even like going to class and listening to lectures.  What I hate, however, is exams.  Those seem to be a large percentage of my grade this semester so I'll have to be cracking down on those books.  You know, get $120 worth of use out of those overpriced pages.

Anyway, I have a lot of responsibilities this semester.  I am a Community Assistant with about 40 girls on my floor.  I snagged two advertising positions with student media, specifically with the newspaper and radio station.  In addition to that, I am an intern with a website called HerAgenda.  There are a lot of people counting on me this semester and I plan on giving it my all.

To make this semester successful I'll have to prioritize and be sure not to procrastinate.  One piece of advice I have for myself is to make sure to say no- not to anyone in particular, but to myself. I want to do it all.  From picking up hours as a waitress to joining dance club, I have to realize that quality is better than quantity this year.  I even wrote an editorial about it.  Check it out!

For my birthday, I want to get a camera to make this blog really shine.  I have a few ideas I want to implement that I think you'll really enjoy.

Also, if I make blogging weekly a priority, I feel like it would be beneficial to advertise.  How cool would that be?  My website out there for the world to see!

Well, that is my two cents.  I look forward to writing a lot more this year.

Until Later,

Me

We Are Our Own Biggest Critics

A few weeks ago, my friend and I went out and had a mini photo shoot.  It was so much fun, we did it again.  Here are some of my favorites:

BAM!  Look at that bone structure!

And, because it cracks me up every time I see it...

These are pretty pictures, but today I wanted to touch on something a little more serious- societal pressure to be thin/pretty/A CERTAIN WAY.

I want to start this serious conversation by saying this:

You are beautiful just the way you are.

(As soon as I wrote that my brain started singing "Just the Way you Are" by Bruno Mars.)

You have probably heard that before and for good reason- because you don't need to change.  As long as you are healthy, nothing else matters.  Remember that your body is the fortress that keeps you going.  It allows you to do fantastic things like learn french, travel to New Zealand, talk with your best friend, skydive, ect.  So, please, love and respect it.  I want you to go and experience the sweet fruits of life!(:

I have always seen the beauty in other people- doe eyes, big smiles, smooth skin, contagious laughter, kind hearts- and I've tried my hardest to let people see that beauty in themselves.  However, after the photo shoot yesterday, I realized that I don't often see those things in myself when looking at pictures.

Here are some BEAUTIFUL pictures that I actually don't like very much:

I see...large arms, funny back fat, and smeared make-up.

I see...messed up hair and yellow teeth.

I see...weird shaped face.

I see...short body and questionably cute outfit.

I see...weird eyes.

It's horrible, isn't it!?  Why are we so harsh on ourselves?!  It's true what they say- we are our own biggest critics.

After my friend posted 40+ pictures of me on Facebook, I was tempted to go through each one and untag the pictures I thought were unflattering. The worst thing is I usually have such high self-confidence!

It wasn't until I got this uproar of positive feedback that I realized I need to seriously rethink my definition of beauty for myself.  I wish I would have seen it on my own, but I don't think that there is anything wrong with having your friends snap you back into reality sometimes.  So, instead of shredding each picture apart like it's the last round of America's Next Top Model, I vow to see my beauty whenever I see a picture of myself.

Same pictures, different perspective:

I see...my cute, quirky personality and adorable cheeks.

I see...a beautiful smile and kind eyes.

I see...a real 19-year-old woman with a healthy body and glowing skin. 

I see...a really cool picture.  One that I might show Seventeen Magazine if I ever go to model for them. 

I see...BEAUTY.

I'm sending big hugs your way, my friends.  Please, see yourselves the way I see you- DAMN GORGEOUS.

Much Love,

Me

Forgiveness

I'm not going to lie.  I have been MIA on this blog for a good two weeks.  I thought it was because I had nothing to say, but now I know that's not the case.  I have plenty to say.  I just didn't have the gumption to say it.

So, in an effort to kill my funk, I want to talk about forgiveness. 

Forgiveness is a new topic for me.  I mean, yes, I have been forgiving people for stealing my legos and pushing me off the monkey bars for years now.  But, I just recently entered the real world.  I'm stuck in that awkward segment of time between childhood and adulthood- and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't having any growing pains.

This summer was supposed to be fantastic; I had it all planned out.

I was going to move to a nearby city and stay with my aunt.  Volunteering, job shadowing, studying spanish, and getting my motorcycle licence were on my summer bucket list.  I wanted to romp around town with new people, discover new things, and figure out where I was going from here.  I wanted to get a job at Ulta or Sephora- really learn about the beauty industry- and top all that off with a trip to the Philippines.  Only, most of that didn't happen,

and I feel like I wasted three good months of my life.

What happened?

I started my summer by ripping out all of my dad's stuff from my mom's house.  My parents are currently in the process of getting a divorce, and if I wasn't going to move dad's things, they would still be here.  Cleaning out the house was fine, it was dealing with my alcoholic mother that was the problem.

After that, I took a FANTASTIC trip with one of my friends from college.  We went to Nebraska, Colorado, New Mexico, Arizona, and Southern California.  We swam and hiked and just rejoiced in the moment.  It was pretty great actually.

But, eventually, you have return to the real world.  When I got back, I sent my applications to Sephora, Ulta, and Macy's.  All of which wanted to hire me- but only if I agreed not to leave in the fall.  School is my number one priority right now, so that wasn't going to happen.

Without a job, I decided to continue living in my hometown.  I'd spend time with my family and friends as well as get my job back at the restaurant that had treated me- and my pocketbook- very well in the past.  I set it all up, and everything seemed to be okay.  However, when I called the restaurant to see when I was scheduled, there was a problem- a problem so incredibly stupid, so insanely idiotic, and so entirely NOT my fault that I could barely believe it.

So, here I was- stuck in my hometown without a job.  I applied for a different job- one that didn't offer nearly as much money as my waitressing job- and was *this* close to accepting the position when I backed out.  My dad and I had plans to go to the Philippines, and I wasn't about to accept a position, get trained, work for a couple weeks, then bail to go to a foreign country.  It didn't seem right.  I should have just applied at a different restaurant, because, low and behold, the Philippines trip fell through as well.

So, here I am now.  Jobless.  $1,000 gone.  My alcoholic, codependent mother causing problems.  I have spent more time watching Gossip Girl and YouTube than I have studying Spanish or even conversing with other human beings.

And I am petrified of what is coming next.

What if I hate my radio and newspaper advertising positions I have this fall?  What if I do poorly in Spanish this semester?  What if balancing an internship and a CA position gets to be to much for me? Most importantly, will my mom ever get her life together?  My head is exploding with questions and regrets and fears.  

I know that looking back on this post, I will feel silly for posting it.  However, that doesn't change how I feel right now.

I think that I just need to learn how to forgive.

My mom.

My dad.

Myself.

I found this on Pinterest a little while ago when I was helping a friend get through a difficult time:

Mistakes you made in the past, no matter how small, are just that- in the past.

Accept what has happened, learn from it, and make tomorrow better.

I will make tomorrow better.

Much Love,

Me

My Wish List...and My Wish List Realization

Do you ever get really...materialistic?  Like, you start thinking about how much better your life would be with *THIS* and that.

Today was one of those days.

My wish list includes:

-A scratch map of the world to document my travels.

-A polaroid camera for my need for instantaneous satisfaction.

-A really nice camera (Or, at least, a step up from my phone camera).

-Workout clothing- preferably with cheesy saying on them.

-Sperry's (To make my toes happy).

-MAC eyeshadow specifically in the shades Satin Taupe, Shroom, All That Glitters, and Mulch. I don't own any, and I am curious to see the difference between MAC make-up and other cosmetics. 

-Laura Mercier Silk Creme Foundation. It is the foundation raved about by Elle, Allthatglitters21, on YouTube.

-#Girlboss because this book looks inspiring and fantastic.

-Palmistry and Tarot Cards from urbanoutfitters.com because they look fun and useful in college social situations.

-Sigma Spa Brush Cleaning Glove. I think it would actually make me WANT to clean my brushes.

-A luggage scale because when I travel I have an irrational fear of paying overweight fees.

Creating this wish list board was fun, but, you know what?  It made me realize that all the things that I really want are things that I so do NOT need.  It was a good realization to have.

Wanting things does not make us bad people.  However, I think that it is important to remember that things won't make us happy.  With that in mind, I created a project for myself. School starts for me in 34 days.  That gives me a little more than a month to make a gratitude book.

My Gratitude Book will include things I'm grateful for- as the name suggests.  And whenever I'm feeling materialistic, I'll look at the book and remember that I have all I need.

Maybe I'll keep you updated on that project.

Much Love,

Me

My Everyday Make-up Routine

Today, I thought it would be fun to share my everyday make-up routine.

Step One: Concealer 

First, I use Garnier Skin Renew Anti-Dark-Circle Roller on my under eyes and Benefit Boi-ing (The product in the middle of the magnetic palette.)  on any redness, mostly on my nose.  I blend that all in with my beauty blender.

Step Two: Setting

I set my concealer with Rimmel Stay Matte foundation.  In addition to that, I was really tired today.  I made sure to set my under eyes with Bare Mineral Well-Rested Eye Brightener for extra brightness.

Step Three: Blush, Bronzer, and Highlighter

Next, I apply blush, bronzer, and highlighter.  My favorite blush is NYX in Angel; it gives me the perfect glow.  Too Faced Chocolate Soleil is the bronzer I used to contour today; It was my first time using it but I really like it so far.  Lastly, I used The Blam Hot Mama! to highlight my checks.  It is technically a shadow/blush duo, but it does a nice job of highlighting too.

Step Four: Eyebrows

Anastasia Brow Wiz and Maybelline Great Lash Mascara in clear is what I use for my eyebrows. 

Step Five: Eye Shadow

I use Urban Decay Primer Potion and the Naked 2 palette for my eye shadow.  I put the matte brown shadow Tease all over my lid first.  Then, a dark brown shimmery shade called Snakebite in my crease.  Suspect, a shimmery beige, is placed in my inner corners; Foxy (a matte bisque) is used on my brow bone.

Step Six: Finishing Touches

After curling my lashes, I put on They're Real Mascara and Urban Decay's Zero Eyeliner on my waterline.  Revlon Just Bitten Kissable Balm Stain in Lovesick is what I put on my lips.

And that is the finished look!  Thanks for reading!

We Will Talk to You Later, 

Me

Personal Sunday #2: Weeks

It is currently 4 o'clock in the morning, and I have been up far too long putting together a travel book.  This travel book is a collection of places I need to see and things I need to do.  While I was doing that, I decided to do some math.

WARNING- You’ll probably judge me for this post.

ADDITIONAL WARNING- I won’t care in the least.  I am who I am(:

According to disabled-world.com, I am roughly 1,000 weeks old.

And, according to gosset.wharton.upenn.edu, I will live to be about 85.67. (This estimate angers me because I don’t drink or smoke; I eat healthy and I exercise regularly…I digress.)

That leaves me roughly 3,000 weeks left to live.

There are, debatably, 196 countries in the world, and we all know the US has 50 states.  I have already been to 11 countries and 10 states.

That leaves 186 countries and 40 states for me to see.

If I stay in these 226 places for two weeks each, it will take up 452 weeks of my life. That is about 9 years of travel.

That leaves 2,548 weeks left to finish school, get a job, save my money, make friends, fall in love, get sick, get healthy, eat, sleep, exercise…

2,548 weeks left over AFTER traveling to all of these places.  And, may I remind you, I have only lived about 1,000 weeks already.  2,548 weeks is a lot of time.

The reason I did all this research is to prove to myself that I have time to, literally, see the ENTIRE world.  So, next time you think that you are "too old" to do something that you really want to do, you may want to rethink your statement.

Much Love,

Me

Hard Candy Lash Ink Review

The claims as stated on hardcandy.com:

Mascara that won’t quit until you do. Our innovative four day lash stain coats every lash.  Layer on mascara and at the end of the day, Lash Ink will stay put.  Go ahead and swim, sweat, shower or cry (happy tears) – lashes will look flawless no matter what the circumstance.

The price: around $7

I'll be the first to admit it- I love gimmicks.  Products that claim to do what others can't intrigues me.  So, when I heard about Hard Candy Lash Ink in August 2013's Seventeen Magazine, I was really interested.  I told myself to finish off some other mascaras before buying it, but once I did, I was all over it!

Initial Impressions: 

First and foremost, this brush is very long and skinny.  It is a little difficult getting as close to the base of the lashes as possible with this brush.  This is a stain, so expect a very wet application.

I am happy with how my lashes looked with this product on- very black, separated (read: not clumpy  at all), with decent length.  Unfortunately, I didn't think to take a picture after I first applied it, but I almost think that they stayed looking the same throughout the four days.  However, I am getting ahead of myself.

Test One: Swimming

So a few hours after applying this mascara, my family went to a water park.  To me, the water park was the ultimate test of this mascara.  We played HARD.  If you need proof, check out this picture of me and my tan sunburn lines:

BY THE WAY!  This would be an EXCELLENT time to tell you...

 REAPPLY THAT SUNSCREEN!

Anyway, my lashes are still separated, dark, and long.  I was very pleased.

Day Two

My lashes still looked really good the second day.  By now I had noticed a little flaking.  Also, I just want to through this out there- yes, my eyebrows are atrocious and, yes,  I have no make-up on except for mascara in any of these pictures.  And, no, I don't care.

Day Three

Today, I really put this product to the test.  I worked out.  I went for a walk/run; I also tried racing a train, but that didn't go very well.

My lashes could stand a retouch, but they are still stained.  I took a bath and washed my face (avoiding my eyes) afterward as well.  The product continued to flake, but not in crazy amounts.

Day Four

I'd say that by day four, the product really had disappeared.

All-in-all:

I really am happy with this product.  It lasted three days through swimming, washing, sweating, and eyes watering.  For $7, I would buy it again; I liked the way it made my lashes look.  I'd venture to say that this would be the perfect summer mascara stain!

Additional thoughts:

This stain doesn't play nice layered with other mascaras.

Layering two coats of the stain on top of each other makes my lashes stick together.

Make-up wipes don't make this stain budge.  

Make-up remover won't take this stuff off either. 

So, tell me.  Are you interested in Hard Candy Lash Ink?  Let me know!

Until Later, Lovelies!

Me