Forgiveness

I'm not going to lie.  I have been MIA on this blog for a good two weeks.  I thought it was because I had nothing to say, but now I know that's not the case.  I have plenty to say.  I just didn't have the gumption to say it.

So, in an effort to kill my funk, I want to talk about forgiveness. 

Forgiveness is a new topic for me.  I mean, yes, I have been forgiving people for stealing my legos and pushing me off the monkey bars for years now.  But, I just recently entered the real world.  I'm stuck in that awkward segment of time between childhood and adulthood- and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't having any growing pains.

This summer was supposed to be fantastic; I had it all planned out.

I was going to move to a nearby city and stay with my aunt.  Volunteering, job shadowing, studying spanish, and getting my motorcycle licence were on my summer bucket list.  I wanted to romp around town with new people, discover new things, and figure out where I was going from here.  I wanted to get a job at Ulta or Sephora- really learn about the beauty industry- and top all that off with a trip to the Philippines.  Only, most of that didn't happen,

and I feel like I wasted three good months of my life.

What happened?

I started my summer by ripping out all of my dad's stuff from my mom's house.  My parents are currently in the process of getting a divorce, and if I wasn't going to move dad's things, they would still be here.  Cleaning out the house was fine, it was dealing with my alcoholic mother that was the problem.

After that, I took a FANTASTIC trip with one of my friends from college.  We went to Nebraska, Colorado, New Mexico, Arizona, and Southern California.  We swam and hiked and just rejoiced in the moment.  It was pretty great actually.

But, eventually, you have return to the real world.  When I got back, I sent my applications to Sephora, Ulta, and Macy's.  All of which wanted to hire me- but only if I agreed not to leave in the fall.  School is my number one priority right now, so that wasn't going to happen.

Without a job, I decided to continue living in my hometown.  I'd spend time with my family and friends as well as get my job back at the restaurant that had treated me- and my pocketbook- very well in the past.  I set it all up, and everything seemed to be okay.  However, when I called the restaurant to see when I was scheduled, there was a problem- a problem so incredibly stupid, so insanely idiotic, and so entirely NOT my fault that I could barely believe it.

So, here I was- stuck in my hometown without a job.  I applied for a different job- one that didn't offer nearly as much money as my waitressing job- and was *this* close to accepting the position when I backed out.  My dad and I had plans to go to the Philippines, and I wasn't about to accept a position, get trained, work for a couple weeks, then bail to go to a foreign country.  It didn't seem right.  I should have just applied at a different restaurant, because, low and behold, the Philippines trip fell through as well.

So, here I am now.  Jobless.  $1,000 gone.  My alcoholic, codependent mother causing problems.  I have spent more time watching Gossip Girl and YouTube than I have studying Spanish or even conversing with other human beings.

And I am petrified of what is coming next.

What if I hate my radio and newspaper advertising positions I have this fall?  What if I do poorly in Spanish this semester?  What if balancing an internship and a CA position gets to be to much for me? Most importantly, will my mom ever get her life together?  My head is exploding with questions and regrets and fears.  

I know that looking back on this post, I will feel silly for posting it.  However, that doesn't change how I feel right now.

I think that I just need to learn how to forgive.

My mom.

My dad.

Myself.

I found this on Pinterest a little while ago when I was helping a friend get through a difficult time:

Mistakes you made in the past, no matter how small, are just that- in the past.

Accept what has happened, learn from it, and make tomorrow better.

I will make tomorrow better.

Much Love,

Me