I didn't post anything last week because I have a BIG announcement. However, when I was ready to tell you all, I stopped. Was this the right time to get it all out in the open? I decided against it, but don't you worry- the announcement WILL be made shortly.
Anyway, today I wanted to touch on something sort of deep. I read somewhere that college is a time to figure yourself out, change, and figure yourself out again. I love that quote because it is so true! Just when I think I've got myself down, I uncover something else that I didn't know about myself. It's frustrating, empowering, and actually kind of fun. This whole process is about growth, and think it is easy to say I'm having some growing pains.
First, I'm wound pretty tight.
Have I ever relaxed before? I mean, I'm felt the mental fatigue before. However, I always thought that was a good thing- like mental fatigue is a sign that I've been working hard. Putting that into words just makes me seem like a crazy person. You don't have be stressed out of your mind to know that you are working hard. You don't need to juggle eight different things at once to be proud of yourself. Most importantly, as long as you as smart about your choices, you don't have to feel guilty about having fun!
Secondly, I really am an extrovert.
I love my alone time. I think that it is a part of being an only child. But, when I am around people, I feel fantastic. So what keeps me locked in my room so much? Part of me thinks that it is a sign of insecurity. In my head I believe that if I stay in my room all of the good memories people have of me will lock in place and I don't have to worry about changing a person's current perception of me. How dumb is that? For a person that prides herself in not caring what other people think, I sure care an awful lot.
That leads me to this:
I actually do care what other people think of me.
Why? Why do I care? In middle school I had a hard time with social anxiety. I would cry for hours about how I didn't want to go to things like sporting events because the other kids could potentially pick on me. It got so bad that my mom even considered getting me into therapy. One quote that got me through all that turmoil was:
“Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” — Bernard Baruch
So, seriously. Be yourself and don't care who sees. The people who mind aren't worth your time anyway.
However, this issue amplifies for me when talking about controversial topics. I'm taking some classes this year that really stretch me out of my comfort zone. In these classes, professors expect me to speak up if I have a viewpoint that isn't their own. That is hard for me because I'm such an non-confrontational person. If I disagree, I shut my mouth and move on. This quality is good most of the time, but sometimes it is good to rock the boat. It is okay to voice your opinion.
Speaking of being non-confrontational, I suck at "I'm sorry's."
When people get angry with me, I clam up. I panic. I don't know what to do. So I hide. I ignore them or just pretend nothing happened. This is a bad habit that needs to be fixed now.
In addition to that, lately I have learned that I like attention.
There is not much to say about this one. I'm sure it goes back to the only child thing. However, I think it is a good thing to recognize. Recognizing that I really enjoy attention is the only way to keep myself in check.
I bet you are wondering why I told you all this. Here is my response:
Unrefined beauty rejoices in imperfections. Imperfections are what make us human. It is only when we recognize these imperfections can we grow. So, by showing you all of my imperfections, I hope that it inspires you to be just as honest with yourself.
Let's grow together!
Much Love,
Me
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