The Beast

Inside me awaits a beast.  This beast is fueled by passion and purpose.  It values resiliency, dedication, knowledge, and strength.  Unlike other beasts, it is empathetic and good, much like a domesticated dog.  Unlike the hound, however, the beast has no master.  Only answering to itself, no master could tame the beast.  And who would want to do so?  The beast, while ferocious, wants only to help and move, grow and learn.  The world needs to know this beast.

But what happens when a beast is locked inside a cage?  Well, I believe lights in its eyes go dim.  It becomes anxious, isolated, depressed.  It will never have the same gumption it once did.  Precious time has passed for the beast like the energy it spent banging on the hard iron bars on either side of it.

But even so, when the time is right, the beast still fights.

 

Much Love,

Me

Reciprocal

Call me young and naive,
but I want to burrow into you.

The nape of your neck will be my home.

I crave to know you.
I thirst.  I lust.

Wrap your arms around me endlessly.
Don’t take care of anybody else but me.

It’s 2:30.  We’ve already said goodnight.
I don’t want to sleep.  Continue to be my muse.

You’ll be the happiest man history has ever seen.

Maybe I don’t know what love is
but I want it this to be it.

Take my heart. I won’t need it anyway.  

Maybe you’ll feel it beat for you.

Love me like you’ve never loved anyone before
so I can love you just as relentlessly.

Allow me to fall.  Catch me if you wish.
Don’t feel the need to pick me up if I break.

I want to love you.  Hurt me.  Ruin me.
Or just love me back.

Until Next Time,

Me

The Life in Which I Want to Live

I want my life to be explosive.

I do not want money.  I barely want recognition.

But I want to tell a story.

I don’t know what story to tell and I’m am fairly certain that I barely know the words.  But, slowly and surely I am getting somewhere.

I am guided by the spirit I feel inside of me.  It’s a fierce spirit.  Inside it is a warrior.  It is resilient and strong, but it knows how to be soft, kind, open, and compassionate.

Lately, all I know about myself is that I don’t know anything at all.  I don’t know where I am going or how I am going to get there.  But that doesn’t scare me.  What scares me the most is I don’t know who to bring, and there is absolutely no way I can do it alone.  This is a problem.

What I want in life is to exhaust every vessel of my body from the speed and velocity in which I live.  I want my passion and intensity to consume me. I want my failures to be catastrophic; I want my successes to be even bigger.  I want to live a life so passionate and so complete that when I die, the only proof I existed is how quiet the world seems when I'm gone.

The person I choose to take with me on this journey needs to keep me grounded.  They need to provide me with the perfect balance of realism and optimism.  They need to be able to carry me when I am drowning in an ocean of fear, disappointment, and self-doubt. They will protect me and selflessly allow me to thrive.

This will not be an easy job.

But if they provide me with that, I would be able to love them just as passionately and completely as I love life.  They will never feel unneeded, unwanted, or unloved.  They will forever have someone failing into their arms, rushing to their side.  I would be theirs- totally and completely theirs.

I don’t know if what I can reciprocate is enough.  After all, I am asking for a lot.  But it is my greatest hope that I would be enough because me is the only thing I have to give.

Until Later,

Me

I've Never Said...

I've never said "I can't" because, quite frankly, I can.  I can do anything I set my mind to.  It's just a matter of how much work I am willing to put in to accomplishing my goals.

I’ve never once said “if I become successful" because, in truth, I feel that there is only “when I become successful.”  There is no doubt it will happen.  This isn't a superficial statement.  Success is subjective; the definition of success differs person to person.  

To me, success is encouraging and inspiring people.
To me, success is that satisfying last look at the world before I lay down to sleep.

To me, success is just a matter of finding out where I want to focus my energy.

What is your definition of success?

Much Love,

Me

Growing Pains

Hey all!

I didn't post anything last week because I have a BIG announcement.  However, when I was ready to tell you all, I stopped.  Was this the right time to get it all out in the open?  I decided against it, but don't you worry- the announcement WILL be made shortly.

Anyway, today I wanted to touch on something sort of deep.  I read somewhere that college is a time to figure yourself out, change, and figure yourself out again.  I love that quote because it is so true!  Just when I think I've got myself down, I uncover something else that I didn't know about myself.  It's frustrating, empowering, and actually kind of fun.  This whole process is about growth, and think it is easy to say I'm having some growing pains.

First, I'm wound pretty tight.
Have I ever relaxed before?  I mean, I'm felt the mental fatigue before.  However, I always thought that was a good thing- like mental fatigue is a sign that I've been working hard.  Putting that into words just makes me seem like a crazy person.  You don't have be stressed out of your mind to know that you are working hard.  You don't need to juggle eight different things at once to be proud of yourself.  Most importantly, as long as you as smart about your choices, you don't have to feel guilty about having fun!

Secondly, I really am an extrovert.
I love my alone time.  I think that it is a part of being an only child.  But, when I am around people, I feel fantastic.  So what keeps me locked in my room so much?  Part of me thinks that it is a sign of insecurity.  In my head I believe that if I stay in my room all of the good memories people have of me will lock in place and I don't have to worry about changing a person's current perception of me.  How dumb is that?  For a person that prides herself in not caring what other people think, I sure care an awful lot.

That leads me to this:
I actually do care what other people think of me.
Why?  Why do I care?  In middle school I had a hard time with social anxiety.  I would cry for hours about how I didn't want to go to things like sporting events because the other kids could potentially pick on me.  It got so bad that my mom even considered getting me into therapy.  One quote that got me through all that turmoil was:

“Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” — Bernard Baruch

So, seriously.  Be yourself and don't care who sees.  The people who mind aren't worth your time anyway.

However, this issue amplifies for me when talking about controversial topics.  I'm taking some classes this year that really stretch me out of my comfort zone.  In these classes, professors expect me to speak up if I have a viewpoint that isn't their own.  That is hard for me because I'm such an non-confrontational person.  If I disagree, I shut my mouth and move on.  This quality is good most of the time, but sometimes it is good to rock the boat.  It is okay to voice your opinion.

Speaking of being non-confrontational, I suck at "I'm sorry's."

When people get angry with me, I clam up.  I panic.  I don't know what to do.  So I hide.  I ignore them or just pretend nothing happened.  This is a bad habit that needs to be fixed now.

In addition to that, lately I have learned that I like attention.

There is not much to say about this one.  I'm sure it goes back to the only child thing.  However,  I think it is a good thing to recognize.  Recognizing that I really enjoy attention is the only way to keep myself in check.

I bet you are wondering why I told you all this.  Here is my response:

Unrefined beauty rejoices in imperfections.  Imperfections are what make us human.  It is only when we recognize these imperfections can we grow.  So, by showing you all of my imperfections, I hope that it inspires you to be just as honest with yourself.

Let's grow together!

Much Love,

Me

Current Loves: Maybelline New York Full 'N Soft Mascara

My apologies- I have discovered .gif formatted pictures, and I think that they are quite possibly the coolest thing ever.

I come bearing fantastic news!  I fell in love with a mascara, and it doesn't cost $1,000.

I am talking about Maybelline New York Full 'N Soft Mascara.

Cost: $8   

On the Maybelline website, it says this mascara:

• Builds full, healthy-looking lashes without the brittle feel
• Prevents loss of lashes with Quick Dissolve System that allows easy mascara removal
• Advanced thickening formula with Vitamin E helps to soften and nourish lashes
• No clumps, no globs
• Contact lens safe and hypoallergenic
• Washable, also available in Waterproof formula

Allow me to comment on these claims.

-I agree that this mascara really does build full lashes.  It provides length and volume- a winning combination.  In addition to that, my lashes really do feel "soft."  No brittle feelings on these eyeballs!

-This next claim makes me question Maybelline's advertising tactics.  "Prevents loss of lashes with Quick Dissolve System..."  I'm not sure why "Quick Dissolve System" is capitalized, but I do have to agree.  This mascara really does allow easy removal, even with regular, ol' make-up remover wipes.

-I am not sure if I notice any thickening of lashes when this mascara is off.  However, I don't think I mind since the mascara does that just fine when I wear it.

-Short and sweet- I have no problems with mascara clumps.  In addition to that, I find that this mascara plays well with other mascara as well as multiple coats.

- I don't wear contact lenses- and if I did, I'm not so sure I'd care about the mascara I wear- but this mascara hasn't irritated my eyes in the slightest.

Additional comments:
This mascara has a very wet formulation, so give it time to dry!

 

That's my verdict- A+, gold star, WILL REPURCHASE.  However, I heard talk on Make-Up Alley that this product was discontinued.  If it was, I'll be very upset.  I just bought this product, and it is still listed on the Maybelline website.

None-the-less I have no problem going out and trying the waterproof version.  I'll keep you posted.

Much Love,

Me

P.S. check out this pretty eye look I created with some Wet 'N Wild shadows and my Urban Decay Electric Palette!  I can't wait to have a better camera to show you all my neat creations!

First Day Back

Today is the first day of classes, and I'm so excited.  I love the busyness of an academic year- the appointments, meetings, and projects.  I even like going to class and listening to lectures.  What I hate, however, is exams.  Those seem to be a large percentage of my grade this semester so I'll have to be cracking down on those books.  You know, get $120 worth of use out of those overpriced pages.

Anyway, I have a lot of responsibilities this semester.  I am a Community Assistant with about 40 girls on my floor.  I snagged two advertising positions with student media, specifically with the newspaper and radio station.  In addition to that, I am an intern with a website called HerAgenda.  There are a lot of people counting on me this semester and I plan on giving it my all.

To make this semester successful I'll have to prioritize and be sure not to procrastinate.  One piece of advice I have for myself is to make sure to say no- not to anyone in particular, but to myself. I want to do it all.  From picking up hours as a waitress to joining dance club, I have to realize that quality is better than quantity this year.  I even wrote an editorial about it.  Check it out!

For my birthday, I want to get a camera to make this blog really shine.  I have a few ideas I want to implement that I think you'll really enjoy.

Also, if I make blogging weekly a priority, I feel like it would be beneficial to advertise.  How cool would that be?  My website out there for the world to see!

Well, that is my two cents.  I look forward to writing a lot more this year.

Until Later,

Me